How to tell your spouse “not tonight dear…” or turn on the green light.

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The “headache” excuse from ‘bedroom duties’ has long been thrown out. In our case as Muslim women it is not even tenable. So what do we do when we are not in the mood? How about when we are in the mood and want to be with our spouses in a very special way but don’t know how to send the message across?

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Here are some suggested ways that might work for you or against you.

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Disclaimer:  This writer takes no responsibility for the resulting consequences from any of the recommendations applied.

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(Ps, If you ask me, I am not sure how much of the medicine the doctor herself can take. But hey! Each person to her own) <o:p></o:p>

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Put together a wardrobe of night clothes in grades of effectiveness and be sure to wear them religiously in a predictable structure. This will act as the first sign of what lies ahead for the night. Once you are able to do this, your spouse will learn to read the signs (InshaAllaah, that is if he does not move into the guestroom or seek shelter from the pillows and couch!)

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Grade A-  Moderate – Extremely Harsh

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Chastity Belt (CB)<o:p></o:p>

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Threadbare, discolored track pants with an old tee shirt or maternity night gown still gloriously testifying to the joys of motherhood, bearing worn but unmistaken scars of many failed burps or something in this general realm. (No need to stress the point, you probably get the picture already!)

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Support this with some nailers;

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• Start making a very complicated dish for delivery to your mother-in-law early the next morning

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• Take out all his dirty clothes for washing and ironing (Don’t complain though, no one said it would be easy).

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• Invite members of your organization or group over to hold a night meeting in your home

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• Encourage your five year old to sleep in your bed

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• Revive a long and forgotten argument/ or start a new one

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• Nitpick and nag him on everything; from his toilet manners, to the way he places his shoes, how he eats, that irritating mannerism he has, the way he looked at that sales girl at the store last week.

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• Discuss money, ask him for an increase in housekeeping allowance, a new dress or money for your parents

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• Ask him if he really loves you (warning - this one works only with those who have been married for a really long time, like three years and over!)

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• Snore and talk in your sleep, sleep fitfully with punches and leg thrusts (nothing too hard please, however be prepared for the eventuality of some cold water in your face!)

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• Serve some delicious meals filled with fried fare and rich cream sauces which can leave the two of you feeling more sluggish than sexy. Meals that cause serious flatulence like broccoli and beans are also very effective. Lace it generously with excessive sugar, salt, saturated fat and highly processed foods which can lead to frigidity, difficulty reaching orgasm and lack of interest in marital relations. Of course this would be most ideal if you don’t want to preserve * vitality and enhance overall well-being.

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Grade Rating: 99.9% Proof

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Definitely a “No-no not tonight dear” This is guaranteed to take your home into the Ice Age.

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Warning: Moderate and careful application of some part of these recommendations might help communicate your mood effectively and without harm. Prolonged use of all or part could however lead to serious side effects which can cause attendant ailments and become fatal in the long run.

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Grade B-   Mild - Moderate

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Road Blocks Ahead (RBA)<o:p></o:p>

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Hot pink feathered/ frilly/ layered preferably lace–up nightie made from a tough material (well, you would have to bear some of the heat too!) that takes ages to put on…(…follow the drift?)

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Support this with some discouragement;

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• Write an article or assignment, prepare for a meeting/speech which comes up in a month.

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• Chat with your mother about important family matters on the phone.

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•  Serve a plain meal, nothing imaginative

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Note: Not for the faint hearted…only the persevering (or desperate!) spouse makes it through the barriers; frills, buttons, ribbons, laces…tinkling bells (?) before morning.

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Grade Rating: 50% Proof

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A Maybe; one thing could lead to another.

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Warning: Mild side effects, overdose could be fatal

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Grade A+  Moderate - Excellent

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Honey, I’m home! (HIM)<o:p></o:p>

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Slinky or sweet, whatever suits your style night piece that celebrates the woman in you aided with the right ambience; fragrances, lights and beautiful environment, children temporarily orphaned and safely stashed away asleep, with the Grans, willing or unwilling family members or friends.

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Crown it with a delicious beautifully served meal with strategic dishes for desire which can also be eaten in many creative ways (ladies…let out the inner artist in you).

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Foods filled with antioxidants as well as fruits like apples, apricots, bananas, cherries, coconut, dates, figs, grapes, mangoes, papayas, peaches, pears, plums, pomegranates, quince, raspberries and strawberries; veggies like asparagus, carrots, celery, corn, cucumbers, carrots and eggplant. Avocado; definitely a winner, it’s legendary status dates back to the time of Spanish conquistadors who helped spread its reputation throughout the world as a powerful stimulant.

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Turn on the heat with the juicy tomato, or "love apple," a potent source of the powerhouse antioxidant, lycopene; once a highly sought-after libido enhancer and other veggies reputed to raise the temperature and fortify the body.  These include beans, garlic, leeks, onions, parsley, peppers, soybeans, spinach, truffles, turnips and watercress. Don’t forget the yogurt and chocolate, they are ‘gifted’ members of the menu you don’t want to leave out.

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Here is an example of a recipe (not mine) that is said to be nutritious, low-fat and easy to prepare; guaranteed to send the juices working overtime.

Acorn Squash with Apricot Glaze

• 2 medium acorn squash
• 1 medium apple, sliced
• 2 medium apricots, sliced. Or, 1 peach, peeled and sliced
• 1/4 cup apricot nectar
• 2 T honey
• 1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
• 1 T butter

Halve squash and discard seeds. Place squash in a baking dish with about one-quarter inch of water. Bake at 350 degrees until tender (usually 30 to 45 minutes). Or, microwave for 12 minutes until tender. In a small bowl, combine apple, apricots, nectar, honey and nutmeg. Turn squash over and spoon mixture into the cavities. Cook until hot. Garnish with nutmeg.

Grade Rating: 99.9% Proof

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If this does not result in earthquakes and tornados (all good of course) in the intimacy department, or the man still has a ‘headache’ after all that, take off the gloves, pull out the ‘guns’. Explain to your spouse clearly what you want, lead the man into the bedroom firmly and patiently proceed to elaborate on the theme of the night.

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This grade is fundamentally aided by committed nurturing of the relationship on both parts of the spouses, showered generously with Allaah’s Mercy. All of these efforts can result in many promising nights and rewarding mornings and a fulfilling life in this world and in the Hereafter inshaAllaah.

 

 

 

Ps: Sisters, please I would have to appeal to you not to copy and share around. I imagine that some of the views here, as lighthearted as they may be, may be considered 'radical' and met with disapproval, misunderstood or misconstrued. This is just for us 'girls' for our own private enjoyment inshaAllaah.

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I have had moments of sudden clarity of events or happenings in my life that literarily knocked the breath out of me. I have been confronted by a dawning of understanding, knowledge so true it strikes me right at the centre of my being. I have had instances of communion with my Creator and creation so deep, so real that its effect is staggering on impact. Sometimes the knowledge gained is about me, about strengths and weaknesses, about restrained desires good or bad, about growth or decay and its poisons or antidotes. At other times it is about other people, of characteristics good, lacking or bad.

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These instances continue to reverberate through time such that each time the moment comes to mind I feel that same force of impact as fresh as the second of what I like to think of as a ‘dawning’. I do not know if what I am trying to describe fall into the category of what Oprah Winfrey calls an ‘aha’ moment. Or can be compared to the proverbial light bulb flashing on in the brain depicting a momentous idea or sudden knowledge; an ‘Eureka’ moment.

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What I do know is that these moments which may be small, hardly noticeable or big significant events have given me certain truths about life and living which reveals new insight or reinforces certain beliefs and convictions I already have. I see life lessons in the most unexpected or inconsequential of places. For me these are like momentary gifts of inner sight that can be likened to a veil lifting up or being removed to allow a glance at what lies beneath our perception of the ordinary.

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These lessons nudge me up the rungs on the ladder of knowledge and wisdom, and indeed inner sight which in turn informs certain choices that I choose to make or throw out. These lessons are sometimes paradoxes of life; the more you know, the more you realize just how little you know and how much more there is to know.

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This knowledge can become the cement that holds together the house of faith and servitude we strive to build, holding in place firmly; giving it strength, symmetry, beauty and fortification.

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I have had many events too numerous to recount here, however I will share a few recent ones.

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Take this incident that happened with my eldest son some weeks back. We had just started to keep an aquarium with three gold fishes inside. My children had fallen in love with the idea and would spend several minutes just sitting and starring at the fish as they darted around in their small home. One morning, I woke up to find all three fishes dead. I allowed my children a moment or two after they got up to tell them the sad news.

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“I have a bit of a bad news…all the fishes are dead”

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Second Son: “What happened to them Mama?”

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“I don’t know, just found them dead…maybe I overfed them”

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First son: “Mama I know what happened, it must have been their date of death, the date Allaah gave them to die…”

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Subhuhanallah! I cannot describe the feeling that came over me. “Date of death”? How true! What depth of understanding from the lips of a nine year old child. Even I did not think to say ‘Inalilahi Wainailahi Rajiun; From Allaah we came and to Allaah we shall return’; which would have been another opportunity to teach my children about the concept of death and how it is Allaah Who Knows its Hour for every soul. Just to be sure my son understood the meaning of what he said, I asked him. And he explained himself clearly with sufficient understanding.

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You have to understand my wonder; we are talking about a child/children whom I sometimes feel are aliens from out of space! Children immersed against their will in a generation of fantasy, make believe, shallow perception of or participation in the real world. Children whom we constantly make Du’a for to Allaah to make them worthy servants and wholesome individuals.

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I know we must have talked about issues related to death and dying at some point in of our night time talks/reading. I certainly did not expect that they understood enough to know that no matter how the fishes died, it was after all their date of death.

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“It is Allah that takes the souls (of men) at death: and those that die not (He takes) during their sleep: those on whom He has passed the decree of death He keeps back (from returning to life) but the rest He sends (to their bodies) for a term appointed. Verily in this are Signs for those who reflect.” Az-Zumar 39:42

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“…no soul will Allah grant respite when the time appointed (for it) has come” Al-Munafiqun 63:11

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It was not about if I overfed the fish or not, it was their date of death.

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MashaAllaah that was a ‘dawning’ for me.

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This next event happened about a month ago. I was running very late to pick my four year old from childcare. My car had developed a fault so I had to take the bus. The bus was running late, so I took another bus that would drop me somewhat closer to the vicinity of the place. After about fifteen minutes of walking, the day’s dinner in shopping bags in my hands, my feet hurting from uncomfortable shoes, I was just about ready to drop from fatigue after the day’s work combined with the stress of everything.

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I made Du’a in my mind, “O Allaah help me…” and straight away, the picture of a taxicab flashed into my mind.

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I looked up and there was a taxicab a few meters away from me dropping off a fare! It was a moment I really cannot capture in words. Allaah answered my Du’a literarily in the twinkling of an eye. Lahawla Walaquwata Ilabillah; There is no power or Might except Allaah.

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First, the thought of calling a cab did not even cross my mind. Secondly, even if I had, there is no way a taxicab would have made it in twenty minutes if I had phoned for one at the time. Also it was also such a remote area for a taxicab that you certainly don’t expect one to be cruising around. It was what some people might refer to as a miracle.

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For me it was a ‘dawning’, a moment that reinforced the knowledge in the Words of Allaah; "Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer)” Ghafir 40:60.

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It was a moment that assured me more than ever to trust in Allaah, that His Promise is true; He will provide for us from sources we least expect.

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Another instance that remains vivid in my mind was this event that took place at a filling station. I made the intention to buy twenty dollars worth of fuel into the car, then I changed my mind and thought, why not just buy ten dollars worth instead. I set the amount on the self serve pump and put my card in. As the fuel started to flow into the petrol tank of the car, I was quite startled to see that it continued after ten dollars worth! Finally I had to take the pump out at twenty dollars when I realized it just kept going. Of course you could argue that, I must have missed out something from the process. But even the attendant could not explain why a pump in perfect working order ignored the set commands to operate in certain way.

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Whatever was ‘responsible’ for what happened, the force of the truth that struck me so powerfully that day was that, we plan but Allaah’s Plans prevails, “And Allaah is the best of Planners” Al-Imran 3:54

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I do not know why Allaah destined me to buy twenty dollars instead of ten, perhaps I may never know.

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What I did realize from an incident so ‘meaningless’ was a wealth of divine Words and Wisdom. When we set upon a journey, we usually have a destination in mind and we travel on our own terms, taking along what we want and feel would be needed or the trip. However only Allaah Knows what provisions we would need, who will be our travel companions, what roads to take, what will get us to our destination and where we will end up ultimately.

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I could go on and on, but then you would not be able to share your moments too which I am sure may have left even more significant impressions on you, if you give some thoughts to it and look harder when the veil lifts.

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Between your story and mine, lies a revelation and evidence of Allaah’s Attributes manifesting in numerous ways……“as signs for those who reflect/have wisdom/ understand/ think/believe…” as Allaah ends various similitude and examples replete in the Quran in these words above; “as signs for those who reflect”.

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And what do you know, even Shakespeare agrees when he wrote that there were “tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones”, how profoundly true indeed.

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Asalamu Alaykum all,

Today I happened to come across an article on the face veil(NIQAB). The writer, who was a Muslim woman, as she claimed to be, was basically against Hijab, and the Niqab. She used words like, oppressive, alianating, invisible, and backwards, just to name a few to descripe the Niqab and Hijab. I was so shocked to read her article and other similar articles that she wrote. I was just so confused. She seemed to be so proud to be Muslim and at the same time was putting down the Hijab, the Niqab, Muslim men's beards, I was just so lost. What was wrong with this picture? A Muslim woman putting down other Muslim women and men, and how they dress. 

The thing is, she's not the only who feels this way and I just don't understand why.This is the reason why there are so many misconceptions that saround the Islamic religion. People who are claiming to be Muslims are giving people(non-Muslims) the wrong information about our religion and putting us down. Even in my own life, since I started wearing the Niqab I have had people, Muslim people tell me that I shouldn't wear the Niqab. There's no need for it is what I hear the most. "You live in a Non-Muslim country, you can be attacked; the Niqab is not Islamic, it's a traditional thing; how are you going to find work? people will be afraid of you"...just things like this is what I hear. Oh and I almost forgot about the health problems I'm going to be facing! Today someone told me this, "why did you start wearing the Niqab, don't you know you can go blind from it?!" Blind?!!! OMG! These things are coming out of Muslim peoples' mouths. I wonder what this world is coming to, seriously!

So I started to ask myself, do I just know too little about Islam and am I being an extremist like I've been told,  or are these people just confused?

All I know is that the Muslims do more damage than the kufars because they say such hurtful things that can confuse a person. They can be so discouraging, and they can make someone feel so afraid to the point that a person has to give up something they wanted to do for Allah's sake, subhanaAllah! It's really sad to see our own fellow Muslims trying to destroy the valuable things about Islam.

And let me just admit this,  It's way harder than I thought to wear the Niqab. Mainly because of the constant discouragement I'm getting from everyone.  My dear sisters in Islam, please make dua for me to stay strong and for Allah to protect me from all dangers and evil things. Life is a test, and I feel like I'm loosing my battle against my own weaknesses.

Asalamu Alaykum W.Wb

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, with real tears, may Allah help me find my way.

I decided to take my Shahada and called my local Masjid and left a message that I was encourage to take my Shahada as soon as possible, and I wanted to know how and when I might get some help.

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The Imam called me so quickly this evening, I told him what had brought to my decision, I told him my story that is posted “Muslim for a Month.” He recognized I was not just rushing into this decision, however, I guess I never thought about my husband. Yea I am married going on 19 years. We have a good marriage and we are very stable.

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So the Imam questioned me on how my decision would affect my lifestyle/marriage. Guess I never thought about it.

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My husband does drink, (rarely) however I’m a recovered alcoholic, sober 3+ years, husband gambles, I hate it, we have never had sex while on my period, and he has always supported me in all my decisions, until now.

(These were some of the issues the Imam had brought to my attention.)

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So, after this conversation, I told my husband about my decision to become a Muslim. And well, exactly what he said was “I asked you not to do this. How can we have a relationship, when I don’t believe anything about a suppressive religion. I asked what he meant but he really couldn’t explain, just kept telling me how Islam repress the women I tried to explain he did not understand and maybe he should read the Qur’an, he said he couldn’t do that. Then he just said do what ever you want.

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So sisters HELP! Why is this so hard? Why so many issues? Do I now just go on practicing Islam without ever taking Shahada, and hope Allah will forgive me?

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Looking for real help, keep me in your prayers.