summayyah's Blogs

A friend of mine told me how her six year-old had startled her teachers when in a school home work she defined Islam as ‘ways of life’. I was immediately struck by the uniqueness of her definition. There was something so innocent, so pure and true by her perception and understanding of what Islam is. Now as far as I can remember, Islam has been defined as ‘a way of life’ in books, at lectures, why then does that seemingly tiny addition of an extra letter ‘s’ present an ‘aha’ moment for me? One could correctly argue as well that at six years old, the child may not have attained a level of diction equivalent to the Received Pronunciation of the British blue blood quality! So what strikes me about this definition?

Picture a destination in mind and the possibility of many pathways to reaching that destination. Or if you like, visualize a sea where every one swims for the same island. Some may be able to swim fast, some slowly, steadily taking their time, while others go with the flow of what they are comfortable with. The point is, each person can choose or use his or her ability to get to that same destination. That to me is what this six year old’s definition of what Islam means; ways of life to life in this world and the next.

Islam presents options that fits each and everybody’s unique ability, experience, personality, culture, family, level of conscious awareness, knowledge, understanding and faith for attaining the highest achievement and reaching the ultimate destination; the pleasure of Allaah and His Company and that of the righteous servants in the Hereafter.

The Messenger of Allaah captures this spirit of servitude in this Hadeeth when he told his companions; “This Qur'an has been revealed to be recited in seven different ways, so recite of it whichever (way) is easier for you (or read as much of it as may be easy for you)." - Bukhari. Although he was talking about the recitation of the Quran, it more or less underlines the point that Islam allows you to cut to fit no matter the size or amount of the cloth.

One of my favorite self-made analogies from my understanding and perception is that if you and I are given ten tasks each to perform to please Allaah, we may both end up doing six each. It does not however mean six of the same things. In effect, I might have strengths in fasting while you are great with Sadaqah; charity and so on. What is fundamental to both choices are the intentions behind the actions, the tools used, means of doing them and most importantly how they present before Allaah on our scales of piety and righteousness.

Islam means ways of life in achieving spiritual, emotional and physical wellbeing. Islam means ways of life in relationships, family structure, personal hygiene, community, etiquettes of behavior, manners of teaching, learning, leadership, worship, discipline, intimacy, conflict management/resolution, neighborliness, celebrations, parenting, Subhuanallah! The list just goes on! Islam means ways of life to life and living! Islam means ways of life that elevate our being in this world from mere survival to living purposefully.

Allaah (SWT) Says; “I perfected your religion for you completed my favor upon you and have chosen for you Islam as your religion. Surah Maidah 5:3

This also brings to mind the issue of imparting knowledge and relating to people according to their level of knowledge and understanding. What we tend to do is to measure and judge people with our own yardstick which of course is not flaw-proof. It is natural to have impressions based on what is evident to us. So if we see someone drinking alcohol, or unable to wear the Hijab; head covering ‘correctly’, we know that person has some work to do with that challenge. This does not however make that person condemned without hope of salvation. We may be able to help that person better understanding that it may be the behavior or action that is not acceptable and not necessarily the person. We also feel more empathy and compassion when we relate with that person with the understanding that we swim at different paces based on so many factors. The point is to get into the sea and start swimming.

Our willingness to accept the other person on the basis of their humanity and belief in their goodness until they prove otherwise is a deposit of love that we ourselves might cashed in on later on our journey. This can be done by acknowledging how each of us got to the valleys and steep mountain tops in our life in the first place. The second part is what we are prepared to do about it.

When the Messenger of Allah (saw) deputed any of his Companions on a mission, he would say: “Give tidings (to the people); do not create (in their minds) aversion (towards religion); show them leniency and do not be hard upon them. – Muslim

In essence, ‘leniency’ is recognition of each individual’s knowledge and ability and Allaah Knows best. The Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (saw) are replete with commandments, admonitions, counsels and examples that teach and emphasizes this principle.

This brings us back to where we started from, reaching our destination through the straight path with ways of life that give us opportunities to succeed. The first step to this is to have sincerity of heart and intention and love for attaining the Pleasure of Allaah and following of His Prophet.

I leave you with this hadeeth of the Prophet (saw), I came across. The significance hit me right smack in the face with a powerful force.

The Prophet (saw) said, "The example of guidance and knowledge with which Allaah has sent me is like abundant rain falling on the earth, some of which was fertile soil that absorbed rain water and brought forth vegetation and grass in abundance. (And) another portion of it was hard and held the rain water and Allaah benefited the people with it and they utilized it for drinking, making their animals drink from it and for irrigation of the land for cultivation. (And) a portion of it was barren which could neither hold the water nor bring forth vegetation (then that land gave no benefits). The first is the example of the person who comprehends Allaah's religion and gets benefit (from the knowledge) which Allaah has revealed through me, the Prophets, (the second) learns and then teaches others. The last example is that of a person who does not care for it and does not take Allaah's guidance revealed through me (He is like that barren land.)" Bukhari

How true! Something to ponder upon.

This is the last part of the series inshaAllaah...sorry it took so long. You may wish to check out the first two parts listed in my blogs inshaAllaah.


“In all the years I have been married I have never apologized to my wife, I never say sorry…” The man declared. The woman’s agonizing sobs stopped frozen from shock, she stared unbelievingly at the smug expression on his face as his words sank in. The man was her husband’s best friend; he had come to settle a bitter quarrel between her and her husband. She had turned to him for help, support and good counsel.

“Look, you don’t need to cry, and don’t bother telling me what he has done, don’t expect that he will be sorry either, men simply don’t apologize, and you just have to accept whatever he has done…” He finished self-righteously. He then followed with a long narration of some of the things he had done to his wife in the past and had never apologized for. He kept cutting off the woman’s account of how oppressed she was feeling as a result of certain unresolved issues in her twelve months old marriage, with the same counsel; “Get over it, HE IS MAN, he is licensed to do…anything”

Alhamdulilah, the woman survived that argument and has matured from several others through the years as she recounted the incident and the valuable insights it gave her to her man and her marriage which was enriched with moments of erring, repentance and forgiveness, given and received. Mr Macho however did not; his marriage broke up some years after that incident and rather messily too. You could say he had over drawn his account into red and had finally crashed and gone under the weight of his distorted definition of masculinity and dysfunctional principles for matrimony.

Abuse is abhorred, no matter what form it takes or under what guise it is sanctioned or validated, whether through tradition and culture, societal misnomer or warped virtues of the masculine gender. Some people will take one look at the allowance for a Muslim to ‘beat’ his wife and immediately put a negative label on Islam along with other promoted stereotypes. But will they reconsider if they learn that this ‘beating’ further explained by knowledgeable scholars is described as a light tap with the edge of a cloth or its equivalent? Will they take time to understand the context in which this ‘beating’ allowed?

As discussed in the second part of this three part series, Islam allows a man to show disapproval or displeasure through certain means and there is no tiptoeing around the fact that he is allowed to beat his wife in a ‘right’ way and set of circumstances.

So going back to where we should start from, how did the Messenger (saw) of Allaah, treat his wives in the first place? How did he resolve issues in his marriage? What were the ideals he left and lived then for us to learn and live by now?

Narrated the wife of the Prophet (saw) Aisha (ra);

Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands.

The first one said, "My husband is like the meat of a lean weak camel which is kept on the top of a mountain which is neither easy to climb, nor is the meat fat, so that one might put up with the trouble of fetching it." The second one said, "I shall not relate my husband's news, for I fear that I may not be able to finish his story, for if I describe him, I will mention all his defects and bad traits." The third one said, "My husband is a tall man; if I describe him (and he hears of that) he will divorce me, and if I keep quiet, he will neither divorce me nor treat me as a wife." The fourth one said, "My husband is a moderate person like the night of Tihama which is neither hot nor cold. I am neither afraid of him, nor am I discontented with him." The fifth one said, "My husband, when entering (the house) is a leopard, and when going out, is a lion. He does not ask about whatever is in the house." The sixth one said, "If my husband eats, he eats too much (leaving the dishes empty), and if he drinks he leaves nothing, and if he sleeps he sleeps alone (away from me) covered in garments and does not stretch his hands here and there so as to know how I fare (get along)."

The seventh one said, "My husband is a wrong-doer or weak and foolish. All the defects are present in him. He may injure your head or your body or may do both." The eighth one said, "My husband is soft to touch like a rabbit and smells like a Zarnab (a kind of good smelling grass)." The ninth one said, "My husband is a tall generous man wearing a long strap for carrying his sword. His ashes are abundant and his house is near to the people who would easily consult him." The tenth one said, "My husband is Malik, and what is Malik? Malik is greater than whatever I say about him. (He is beyond and above all praises which can come to my mind). Most of his camels are kept at home (ready to be slaughtered for the guests) and only a few are taken to the pastures. When the camels hear the sound of the lute (or the tambourine) they realize that they are going to be slaughtered for the guests."

The eleventh one said, "My husband is Abu Zar and what is Abu Zar (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain. Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill.

The mother of Abu Zar and what may one say in praise of the mother of Abu Zar? Her saddle bags were always full of provision and her house was spacious. As for the son of Abu Zar, what may one say of the son of Abu Zar? His bed is as narrow as an unsheathed sword and an arm of a kid (of four months) satisfies his hunger. As for the daughter of Abu Zar, she is obedient to her father and to her mother. She has a fat well-built body and that arouses the jealousy of her husband's other wife. As for the (maid) slave girl of Abu Zar, what may one say of the (maid) slavegirl of Abu Zar? She does not uncover our secrets but keeps them, and does not waste our provisions and does not leave the rubbish scattered everywhere in our house."

The eleventh lady added, "One day it so happened that Abu Zar went out at the time when the milk was being milked from the animals, and he saw a woman who had two sons like two leopards playing with her two breasts. (On seeing her) he divorced me and married her. Thereafter I married a noble man who used to ride a fast tireless horse and keep a spear in his hand. He gave me many things, and also a pair of every kind of livestock and said, 'Eat (of this), O Um Zar, and give provision to your relatives." She added, "Yet, all those things which my second husband gave me could not fill the smallest utensil of Abu Zar's."

'Aisha then said: Allaah's Messenger said to me, "I am to you as Abu Zar was to his wife Um Zar." Bukhari

This is a long narration that is loaded with meaning for those who reflect. How many husbands would fit the modes described above? How many women are serving life sentences in their marriages from men such as these or worse?

What were the virtues of Abu Zar that described the Prophet (saw) and what kind of husband did that make him with his wives? This is a major point to ponder.

Narrated Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah; ‘“I said: Messenger of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He (saw) replied: “Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.”’ Abu Dawood

He (saw) said in his farewell message; 'Listen! Treat women kindly; they are like prisoners in your hands…Should they be guilty of flagrant misbehaviour, you may remove them from your beds, and beat them but do not inflict upon them any severe punishment. Then if they obey you, do not have recourse to anything else against them. Listen! You have your rights upon your wives and they have their rights upon you…” Tirmidhi

Narrated Mu'awiyah al-Qushayri; “’I went to the Messenger of Allaah (saw) and asked him: What do you say (command) about our wives? He replied: “Give them food what you have for yourself, and clothe them by which you clothe yourself, and do not beat them, and do not revile them”’. Abu Dawood

There is on conflict, all of these Ahadeeth are authentic and clear on the issue. The first and only option is compassion and good treatment of a woman. Beating is a choice that may be taken as part of a process of re-establishment of order in the marriage. This process is used under certain circumstances as we have already established and this cannot be over emphasized. This can be further explored and researched for more clarification.

Abdullah bin Zama narrated; The Prophet (may Allaah’s peace and blessings be upon him)… said "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?" Bukhari

How indeed would any individual worthy of being called a real man, hit his wife as though she was an animal whom we are even commanded to treat with kindness and then descend even lower by calling the same woman to bed afterwards?

The wife of the Prophet (saw) Aisha (ra), narrated; The Messenger of Allaah (saw) never beat anyone with his hand neither a woman nor a servant, but only in the case when he had been fighting in the cause of Allaah and he never took revenge for anything unless the things made inviolable by Allaah were made violable…” Muslim

How could the Prophet of Allaah, the one on whom the choicest of Allaah’s blessings belongs to, the best example, the best of men, beat his women when he perceived them as delicate and cherished, worthy of gentleness, respect, dignity and kindness?

The Messenger of Allaah was on a journey and he had a black slave called Anjasha, and he was driving the camels (very fast, and there were women riding on those camels). The Messenger of Allaah said, "Waihaka (May Allah be merciful to you), O Anjasha! Drive slowly (the camels) with the glass vessels (women)!" Bukhari

How else does one treat glass vessels, but with care and consciousness of their fragility?

You be the judge… monster or macho?

I rest my case….for now InshaAllaah!

AAW! I just came in to the new look website and I am blown away! MashaAllaah its beautiful and befitting of the jewels of Islam, the cherished glass vessels that form the pillars of humanity, we the women raised in honor to serve with dignity. Jazakallahul Khairan to every one who have made this possible, thanks to them I cannot sneak in and out any more...anyway its all good inshaAllaah. This site is a testimony of what we Muslim women are capable of, what we truly represent as a group; unwavering faith, goodness, beauty, strenght, wisdom, creativity,passion, resilience, love and bond that is pure and true...if you don't stop me I will soon start blubbering!

I have not been around much due to work, family and a dash of ill health and this and that (yeah! yeah! I know...nothing new...story of our lives right?), but alhamdulilah, the pull of the sisterhood is too strong to keep away from for too long...

Sisterszone...and to all my beloved sisters, as they say say it here in Aussie lingo, YOU ROCK...WE ROCK!!!!!!!

 

And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..."  30:21

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"I recommend that you treat women with goodness. The best of you are those who treat their wives the best." Prophet Muhammed (saw)

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“Dwell in tranquility…” “Treat women with goodness…”  What do these concepts mean in Islam?

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Wife Abuse is one of the most horrible diseases that have continued to tear apart many homes in recent times. What’s more is the fact that in Muslim homes, it is beginning to consume families and indeed communities because nobody is talking about it! Many scholars (who by the way are some times perpetuators in some form or the other) and the generality of Muslims talk about women’s rights without meaning it or intending to respect or apply these rights in their true spirits.

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The attitude of many, even some women themselves go from self righteousness; “What did you do to warrant such a beating from your husband?” or “She must be a bad wife for her husband to treat her in such a manner!” to justification; “Even Islam allows a man to beat his wife if he is displeased!” 

 

As result of this misconceived attitude many women are sentenced for life, suffering in silence through all manner of abuse in the hands of the very people that should protect them, their men.

 

But what is abuse?

 

The American Medical Association defines it as “…an ongoing, debilitating experience of physical, psychological, and/or * abuse in the home,"

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The most common form of abuse is emotional and mental abuse. In Muslim homes, this includes verbal threats to divorce the wife, to remarry, or to take the kids away if she does not do exactly as she is told; intimidation and threats of harm; degradation, humiliation, insults, ridicule, name-calling, and criticism; false accusations and blaming her for everything; ignoring, dismissing, or ridiculing her needs; neglect and the silent treatment; spying on her; telling her she is a failure and will go to hell; twisting Islamic teachings to make her feel worthless because she is a woman; restricting her access to transportation, health care, food, clothing, money, friends, or social services; physical and social isolation; extreme jealousy and possessiveness; lying, breaking promises, destroying trust; etc. Emotional abuse can take place in public or at home.

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Although it's completely contrary to the example of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, the Muslim community nonetheless tends to dismiss the seriousness of mental abuse, rationalizing it as a petty argument between husband and wife, and saying it's not serious unless he hits her. In reality, mental abuse does severe psychological harm to many Muslim women. It destroys their self-esteem and makes them question their self-worth; some have mental breakdowns and go insane.

 

In many cases psychological abuse often times can and tend to lead to physical abuse,  which includes pushing, shoving, choking, slapping, punching, kicking, and beating; assault with a weapon; tying up; refusing to help her when she is sick or injured; physically throwing her out of the house; etc.

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When physical abuse continues without any form of resistance on the part of the woman or even the community; it escalates in frequency and severity.

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* Abuse is another very traumatic form of abuse perpetuated in many Muslim homes in varying grades. This involves forced, violent sex whereby a wife may not want to have sex for health reasons, but the husband forces her anyway.

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These forms of abuse are usually interwoven and occur for long periods of time, often starting with mental and emotional abuse and then graduating slowly into physical and * abuse.

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Many times abuse is perpetuated as result of the man’s frustration, learned behaviour from his father’s treatment of his mother, cultural conditioning, acceptance of bad treatment on the part of the woman and Islam’s perceived allowance of abuse.

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So back to where we started, what gives a man the right to beat up his wife and treat her badly?

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The Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet (saw) has laid down clear and concise procedures on what a husband must use in conflict situations where the husband is innocent and the wife is rebellious and at fault.

 

There must first be a peaceful discussion between the two of them about the problem and solutions. This is intended to soften hearts and eliminate misunderstandings; and then for the husband to tell his wife his expectations in a firm, decisive manner if the first step does not work.

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If these don’t work and the rebelliousness and disobedience continues, the husband is supposed to leave the bed, which in reality is a punishment for both of them for not being able to resolve their differences. The next step after these is to invite representatives of both sides to meet and try and arbitrate.

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After all these, the husband is allowed to use a light slap on the hand or shoulder but not on any other part of the body, and it shouldn't leave a mark or scar. This is mean’t to show the wife how serious he is about the situation especially if he doesn’t want to resort to divorce.

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Anything beyond this is Islamically prohibited.

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It is also to be strongly noted that this procedure is to be followed only when the wife is the cause of a serious problem and the husband is innocent, compassionate, and well-behaved. If the husband is the cause of the problem, he has no right to do any of this. <o:p></o:p>

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Allaah (swt) commands, the Prophet (saw) taught and lead, we say we hear and we obey. What did the prophet (saw) say about the women? How did the Prophet (saw)live with his wives?

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Next InshaAllaah!